Featured Sketch
For the full video, please click here.
Latest Foibles
Wynne to Increase Minimum Donation to $15
Today, Kathleen Wynne announced that the Ontario Liberal Party was increasing its minimum donation from $11.60 to $15. Wynne told reporters that the old model of relying on grassroots movements was no longer a reality in today’s competitive world.
“It would be unrealistic to expect any political party to be able to survive on a per donor donation of $11.60. It’s simply impossible. Have you seen the cost of hydro? It’s unbelievable!” Wynne said. “We are barely scraping by. The Ontario Liberal Party used to be getting 40 donors a week, but now we are lucky if we can get 20. We can no longer afford to only receive $11.60 from each donor. By raising the minimum donation, we don’t need to attract as many donors and can survive as a less competitive and popular party.”
The move has received criticism from small businesses, who just want Wynne out of power already.
Other political movements have proven that one can run a successful campaign without requiring a minimum donation. By relying on small donations and a passionate base of volunteers, the Draft Matt campaign has been gradually building support without relying on job-killing regulations.
Trudeau Tax Death Study Ruled Unethical, Ordered to Shutdown
Scientists from Queen’s University were reprimanded by the Ethics Oversight Board for implementing a study to see if people would notice that they were being taxed to death if it was done by someone “saying the right things”.
The study, nicknamed the “Trudeau Tax Death Study”, was conducted on a sample of 36 million Canadians. The scientists instructed a charismatic man, nicknamed ‘Trudeau’, to say “nice things” that “made you feel good” to study participants while implementing job-killing taxes. Scientists were careful to control for whether or not Trudeau did the “nice things”, however, at the hearing, the scientists conceded that they didn’t expect that he would do none of the “nice things”, ruining any possible statistical inferences that could be drawn from the study.
Study participants were blindsided when informed that they were part of an elaborate scientific experiment and that they were set to lose their jobs and hard-earned money. A 42-year-old man, who would only identify himself as Jack, said, “I should have known something was up, but he called it a carbon tax. That’s a good thing right? I mean, it sounds good. Climate change, that’s bad right? But I never realized that it was actually an everything tax!”
Another participant, Susan, said, “I am paying a lot less in taxes now, but now that you mention it, that might be because I was let go last year due to an uncompetitive business environment in which small businesses were driven away—it’s hard to say for sure though.”
The damning report from the Ethics Oversight Board slammed the scientists for not designing fail-safes or kill-switches if the charismatic man got out-of-control, which is exactly what happened. It will be impossible to stop Trudeau for at least another couple of years. And when the time comes, it is unclear if there will be a candidate available with sufficient resources, volunteers, and donations to be able to end the study.
Left-Wing Students Take to Queen’s Park to Protest the Status Quo
Yesterday, a group of left-wing students from a variety of post-secondary institutions went to Queen’s Park to protest the current state of affairs in the world. The left-wing students did not have any specific issues in mind nor did they name any person, organization, or government they disliked. Instead, the leaderless movement spent most of the day waving signs while walking in a circle, singing songs about how the world will be a better place in the future.
“I’m here to make a change,” Serena, a second-year psychology student from Ryerson University, said. “Our society isn’t perfect, but I believe we are the generation who will make it a better place.”
“I know microeconomics is important, but the world is so messed up right now, so I skipped class and took a bus to come here,” Ryan from the University of Western Ontario told reporters. “I mean, we are making a real change here!”
Those who could not attend the protest took to Twitter, tweeting with the hashtag #endthestatusquo.
“so many pblms, so little time, gotta start NOOW!! #endthestatusquo”
“I have a son, and I want him to have a better life than me #EndTheStatusQuo”
“so proud to see ppl finally want to #endthestatusquo #yolo”
When asked by reporters about the movement, Justin Trudeau responded, “I am so proud to see so many young Canadians engaged with politics and their government. Of course, the status quo is a provincial issue, so the Canadian government will not be proposing any new legislation.”
Meanwhile, local everyman Matthew Cressatti was reportedly seen laying out his platform for specific and concrete important policy matters that affect all Canadians.